McDerMutt and the Bonbon Man

(With apologies to Lewis Carroll)





McDerMutt and the Bonbon Man
     Were riding round the town.
"Why, sir, it’s odd," McDerMutt said,
     "My smile feels like a frown!"
But this was not so odd, for they
     Were riding upside down.

"Perhaps the folks will think it strange
     To see us riding so,"
The Bonbon Man asserted, as
     He fastened his chapeau.
McDerMutt struck a thoughtful pose
     And gravely answered, "No."

"The folks are well accustomed now
     To seeing men of clout
Regard each solemn law as just
     A trifle meant to flout.
Why should the law of gravity
     Be any different, Scout?"

"How wise you are!" the Bonbon Man
     Responded to his chum.
"Your logic is so hard and fast,
     I simply must succumb."
"Quite so," McDerMutt answered back.
     "How thrilling I’ve become!"

"I’d like to have some sport, dear friend,"
     The Bonbon Man said then.
"You think the Bushkins are awake
     And playing in their den?"
A look of glee then passed between
     The Congressory men.

"Oh, Bushkins, little Bushkins!" called
     The now-arighted pair
When they at last had parked before
     The Bushkinicious lair.
"Come out, come out! Let’s have some fun!
     We know you’re all in there!"

"Go ‘way!" cried out a voice within,
     "Vamoose, and don’t come back.
We have no time to play with you—
     We’re planning our attack
On Axis Evil Number One,
     Sadammy of Iraqqq."

"Oh, what a foolish course!" McDer-
     Mutt cried. "You’re all quite dim!"
"The folks will not be happy with
     Your latest warlike whim.
Sadammy will not bother us
     If we don’t bother him."

"And what of our delightful plans?"
     The Bonbon Man chimed in.
"Like festive hats for all the folks—
     On that we must begin—
And lessons in the modern dance:
     A noble discipline."

But as some moments ticked away,
     And then some moments more,
No sound was heard, no one emerged
     Through Bushkins’ oaken door.
"My friend," McDerMutt said, "these are
     Not Bushkins like before."

"Perhaps we could preempt them," said
     The Bonbon Man, in thought.
"I know that look!" McDerMutt whooped,
     "You’ve hatched a jolly plot!
The brilliance of the Bonbon Man
     Will bring their plans to naught!"

So then to Bag-a-Dad did fly
     The legislative mates.
"Just look at us!" McDerMutt roared,
     "A pair of heavyweights!"
And soon the two were skipping through
     Sadammy’s palace gates.

"Heigh-ho, Sadammy, noble sir!"
     The pair exclaimed with glee,
"Are you aware that Bushkins think
     You’re plotting nastily?
Pray demonstrate to us your sheer
     Innocuousity."

"How kind of you to come, dear friends—
     Please join me on a tour,
And I will show you everything,
     And everyone assure
That any thought of violence
     I solemnly abjure."

"Is that a stack of bombs I see,
     Or do I miss my guess?"
The Bonbon Man inquired before
     They’d gone a mile or less.
"Why, yes, you’re right," Sadammy said.
     "My, don’t they make a mess?"

"My predecessor put them there—
     He was a silly goose.
My plan is soon to turn them in-
     To flower pots profuse.
‘Til then, they stay securely locked,
     To guard against their use."

"How splendid!" cried the Bonbon Man.
     "If only Bushkins could
Express such sentiments as yours,
     And do it half as good!"
"It warms my heart," Sadammy said,
     "To be so understood."

"Oh, say, what is that building huge
     My eyes have now espied?"
"An agriculture project, that:
     It makes insecticide.
We need to feed the children," choked
     Sadammy, dewy-eyed.

"The children! Oh, the children!" sobbed
     The much-affected two,
Their eyes becoming redder still
     With every boo and hoo,
Made worse, perhaps, by desert sands
     That now engulfed the crew.

"That building just beyond it makes
     Our smallpox ... uh, vaccine."
McDerMutt sniffled, "That’s the grand-
     Est sight I’ve ever seen,"
While handkerchief held o’er his eyes
     Enhanced his solemn mien.

"We’ve seen enough!" bawled Bonbon Man,
     Still dabbing at his eyes,
"We’ve seen enough to make a hash
     Of Bushkinicious lies!
That they should so distort your rule—
     It simply horrifies!"

"Quite so, dear friend," McDerMutt trilled,
     "We’ve seen enough to tell
Our countrymen of Bushkins’ lies!"
     Sadammy said, "That’s swell.
The studio is over there:
     Godspeed and fare thee well."

Torchy

(With apologies to Rudyard Kipling)




The party boys all come to see me, faces glum and gray:
"The party needs you now, old friend—it needs you far away.
Now, Torch, we hate to say it, but there's so much damn bad
     ink—
Italian suits are pretty, but they make an awful stink."

     O it’s Torchy this, and Torchy that, and "Torchy, pack it in."
     It was "Robert, you’re a wizard" when the money helped
          ‘em win—
     The money helped ‘em win, my boys, the money helped
          ‘em win,
     It was "Robert, you’re a wizard" when the money helped
          ‘em win.

They didn’t mind my ethics when I ran DSCC,
My ethics didn’t matter when I shook the money tree,
Applause and smiles were mine as long as I was at the top,
But ethics start to matter when the polls begin to drop.

     Now it’s Torchy this, and Torchy that, and "Torch, you’ll
          lose, no doubt."
     It was "Thank you, Mister Chairman" when the checks
          were flying out—
     The checks were flying out, my boys, the checks were
          flying out,
     It was "Thank you, Mister Chairman" when the checks
          were flying out.

"The senator will see you now," my secretary said.
You bet he’ll see you—raise you, too: he must be amply fed.
"What’s in the bag? A gift for me? You shouldn’t—what a
     guy!"
I didn't twist their arms, you know—they all lined up to buy.

     Now it’s Torchy this, and Torchy that, and "Torch, they’re
          on your tail."
     It was "Please accept this gift, sir" when the favors went
          on sale—
     The favors went on sale, my boys, the favors went on
          sale,
     O it’s "Please accept this gift, sir" when the favors go on
          sale.